‘To Tell Or Not To Tell’

by Dr. Michelle Friedman
Special To The Jewish Week

Last winter, during an especially stressful time, I became romantically involved with a colleague, Joe, from my office. I thought about leaving my husband, Max, but realized that this would be a huge mistake. Things were really at a low point between Max and me, but I don’t think Max realized how far things had gone with Joe. I put a lot of effort into fixing the marriage, and so did Max. I really wanted to make a full confession to him before the High Holidays, but I just didn’t get to it by Yom Kippur. If I want an honest relationship, don’t I have to tell my husband the whole story?
Elaine

Stop and think about the urgency you feel and where it is coming from. What do you hope to accomplish? Your sense that your atonement is incomplete without giving Max an explicit account of what happened with Joe might have more to do with your own needs and may not at all be the best thing for the health of your marriage. Revealing a secret like this could lead to harm. You need to consider that your impulse would inflict your husband with more pain than already exists. It’s possible that Max knows more than you think he does and has chosen not to confirm his suspicions. It’s also possible that Max has his own secrets and is subscribing to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude. Reflect on your motivation: Are you hoping to get some burden of guilt off of your chest? Do you want Max to know that another man found you desirable? Are you getting back at Max for something else?

If Max asks you directly about your relationship with Joe, I advise you to answer his questions honestly. If you attempt to cover the facts, your lies will cause more damage than what happened at the office. If, however, Max has not asked for more details of your relationship with Joe, part of your repentance is to hold that information private and to keep it to yourself. Instead of focusing on confessing past infractions, put your effort into rebuilding your marriage going forward. You and Max need to work on trust and warmth through more open communication. You also must be honest with yourself about lingering feelings for Joe. You can’t rebuild your marriage if you remain involved with your colleague. Avoid work situations that bring you and Joe together alone. Be mindful not to transfer the relationship to e-mail or phone conversations. Emotional unfaithfulness with minimal or no physical interaction can be a powerful corrosive to a marriage.

I was diagnosed with hypertension a year ago. My wife’s father died of a stroke due to high blood pressure. As I know how terrified she is of this condition, I never told her and I have been hiding my medication from her. Is this wrong?
Roger

Withholding significant information relevant to the here and now state of a marriage is not healthy for the relationship. While your original motive was to protect your wife, not telling her about a current medical issue treats her as less than an adult partner and leaves you feeling isolated and lonely.
Your situation is quite different from Elaine’s, the previous advice seeker, where the extra-marital involvement is over. The state of your health is very important to your marriage going forward and has practical implications like remembering to take your medication, following a diet and getting exercise. You might be worried that your wife will be angry that you kept the high blood pressure a secret until now. Apologize for any hurt or insult that this caused her. Use the opportunity to ask her if she has kept anything from you that she wants to tell you and pledge together to be more open with each other in the future. n
Dr. Michelle Friedman, a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and the director of pastoral counseling at Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbinical School, invites Jewish Week readers to send questions to advice@jewishweek.org. Issues related to psychology, psychiatry and the interface of mental health and general culture, are welcome.

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