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After The Funeral
Rabbi Pamela Wax: “I don’t know that time really heals.” by Merri Rosenberg “There are people whose loss is tremendous and just want to be affirmed that this is normal,” said Rabbi Pamela Wax, coordinator of the Westchester Jewish Community Services Jewish Spiritual Healing Center. “I don’t know that time really heals. For some people, saying Kaddish is very healing. For some, the synagogue community isn’t enough.” She noted that the Jewish timeline of mourning might not work for everyone. “It’s never one size fits all,” said Rabbi Wax, citing a colleague who was stunned by the depth of her Perhaps it’s not surprising that as baby boomers enter a life stage where they’re dealing with the deaths of their parents, siblings, peers — and, sadly, sometimes their own children — many of them are redefining how they mourn within the Jewish community. A conference last fall, organized by Plaza Jewish Community Chapel in Manhattan and held at Temple Israel Center in White Plains, focused on some of the issues that have emerged recently around grief and bereavement. “One thing that’s shifted is that people are looking not only for structure — Jewish mourning ritual gives that — but they’re looking to feel spiritually connected,” said Rabbi Jaymee Alpert, of Congregration Kneses Tifereth Israel in Port Chester. “They’re looking for a community because they’ve lost so much and feel such a sense of isolation. The challenge is making our ancient, beautiful and wise traditions feel compelling and contemporary. For today’s generation, people want to know why they’re doing something and they want to feel moved.” For example, Rabbi Alpert suggests that instead of simply saying the prayer and lighting the yahrtzeit candle, those observing the tradition take a few minutes sharing memories. “What did that person give to you and the world?” she said. Similarly, at an unveiling, she offers people an opportunity to share an anecdote so that “the person’s memory is there.” “My approach is a careful balance between what Jewish law wants us to do, and where the families are,” said Rabbi Alpert. “I teach what the tradition does offer. The laws are here to bring us comfort and structure.” Similarly, Rabbi Mark Sameth has learned not to be surprised when a congregant decides to read Torah to commemorate a yahrtzeit observance. “There’s a real openness to the spiritual aspects of Judaism, and an openness to ritual that wasn’t there,” said Rabbi Sameth of Pleasantville Community Synagogue, a progressive congregation where that kind of observance wasn’t even on the radar until relatively recently. “People want to know what the rules are, what the tradition says. I’m finding that people are making choices to do more, balancing between the structure and security of having that tradition, while being open to poetry or personal sharing. It’s about how to personalize it in a way that complements the tradition and doesn’t displace it.” Community support from the synagogue has become especially meaningful. As Rabbi Gordon Tucker, senior rabbi of Temple Israel Center, a Conservative synagogue, said, “One of the things we’re told when people are bereaved is that there are enough good networks of friends in the community that were tremendously important to them. It’s not the sort of thing we orchestrate — it’s not a program per se — but it’s something a synagogue can take credit for in a quiet way.” Similarly, added Rabbi Alpert, her congregation is launching a new committee, Hesed, to provide food baskets to mourners during shiva and to explain the importance of making shiva calls within the community. For those who need more than their congregational rabbi or community can provide, there has been an expansion of programs and services available to them. “Through shiva, the Jewish community does well in gathering around community when people die,” said Roberta Marcus-Leiner, managing director of the Caring Commission of UJA-Federation New York, which five years ago launched significant end-of-life initiatives. “In the spirit of community-building work, we’re able to call upon Jewish community members and institutions to address the collective responsibility to help people go through this passage. Some of the unique opportunities we’ve helped to create are partnerships with rabbis and social workers for bereavement, so there’s the blending of the spiritual and Jewish tradition with the secular tradition of social work.” Sherry Birnbaum, director of Pathways to Care and Jewish Programs at Westchester Jewish Community Services, said that her group “provides on so many levels and in so many different ways support for the Jewish community to express their grief.” These range from the Jewish Spiritual Healing Center, which offers support groups led by a rabbi and social worker; on-site groups at local synagogues; counseling at WJCS sites, and even individual telephone support through a volunteer “widow to widow” program for those who don’t want a group experience. There are groups designed for widows and widowers, parents who’ve lost children, children who’ve lost parents and those who’ve lost loved ones to suicide, among others. One of the more recent groups, Flying Solo, targets widows who have been bereaved for at least a year. “There’s an artificiality about the year of mourning,” said Birnbaum. “People want to normalize their own grief reaction. We recognize that people grieve in different ways, and we want to find what works for them.” n For more information about local bereavement groups, contact Sherry Birnbaum at WJCS (914) 949-7699 ext 367 or Sbirnbaum@wjcs.com. |
 
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