Purim Spoof 09: Birthright To Offer New Options

Jerusalem — Strapped financially, Birthright Israel has ceded to right-wing philanthropist Sheldon Addledson’s demand that the contours of the program be changed so that participants only visit areas of Israel beyond of the Green Line.

Financial incentives will be given to those who settle in Hebron, and Avigdor Lieberman has been named honorary Ambassador to Birthright and will serve as Chief Tour Guide of Greater Israel, specializing in areas of Mesopotamia and the suburbs of Cleveland.

When asked if the guests would visit communities stressing Jewish-Arab dialogue, he replied, “what’s dialogue?”

Birthright officials also plan to offer a Kick-Butt program to give participants a fuller picture of Israeli life, and for the first time will allow young men and women from the diaspora to invade Gaza this summer.
“Firsthand experience is the name of the game,” said Ta-Ut Gadola, director of new program initiatives for Birthright Israel. “So we’ll be sending in three busloads of kids, backed up by armored columns and helicopter support.”

Those who do not wish to take part in the invasion have the option of spending the week stuffing envelopes at the Yisrael Beitenu headquarters or interning at a Bedouin veterinary hospital.

Michelle Shapiro, 20, of Merrick, L.I., an archaeology major at Syracuse University, said she had signed up for Birthright as an opportunity to connect with her heritage, learn about Israeli language and culture and see the holy land’s antiquities up close.

“But I wouldn’t mind busting a cap or two on some Hamas dirtbags and fragging their terrorist butts back to the Stone Age,” said Shapiro. “Hey, do we get to bomb Iran, too?”

Westchester Jewish Conference

Westchester’s Jewish Community Relations Organization