Purim Spoof 09: A-Rod And Blagojevich Making Aliyah, Praise Israel As ‘Land Of Second Chances’

Two Rods: Athlete and politician seek haven and a new start in Land of “Milk ’em, Honey.”

Two Rods: Athlete and politician seek haven and a new start in Land of “Milk ’em, Honey.”

Jerusalem – At a press conference today here, recently arrived olim Alex Rodriguez, formerly of the New York Yankees, and Rod Blagojevich, formerly governor of Illinois, announced that they had scanned the world before deciding on settling in Israel, proclaiming it “the one place where it pays to lie.”

“Just look who the next prime minister here is going to be,” Blagojevich exclaimed. “Everybody knows about Bibi and telling the truth, but he’s back on top anyway. You gotta love this country.”

He said he is deciding between running for mayor of Jerusalem or starting his own anti-phone tap party, which may merge with the party representing pot smokers and Holocaust survivors. “I think it’s a natural affinity among the three causes and we should do real well.”

The former governor insisted that he was innocent of charges that he sought to sell a U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. “I swear I was trying to sell my chometz,” he explained.

Disarmingly frank, the youthful ex-governor said that if his political career falters in Israel, he will take a job back in Chicago this fall at Cong. Ohev Kesef, in charge of the High Holiday seating committee.
“Who knows how to sell seats better than I do?” the impeached governor exclaimed.

A-Rod announced that he will be playing third base this season in the disgraced Israel Baseball League, which was forced to close after its first season because of financial problems and allegations, but claims to be ready for business again by spring. “I should feel right at home here,” he said, before explaining to Israeli teammates that throws from first to third should go from right to left.

“There’s a culture here of acceptance, or amnesia, which I greatly respect,” he said, noting that he plans to begin injecting himself during each game with a potent mix of chummus, gefilte fish and shmaltz, which has been banned by medical experts but approved by the Chief Rabbinate kashrut committee.

Westchester Jewish Conference

Westchester’s Jewish Community Relations Organization