Purim Spoof 09: Obama Taps Madoff As Ponzi Czar To Stimulate U.S. Economy

Much-maligned Madoff: Anxious for a chance to show his monetary moxie.

Much-maligned Madoff: Anxious for a chance to show his monetary moxie.

Disgraced investor will operate from apartment; announces sale of Brooklyn Bridge.
Washington – In a surprising and controversial move, President Barack Obama has tapped disgraced financial investor Bernard Madoff to be the country’s first Ponzi Czar, insisting the move would “goose the economy and really shake things up around here.”

The president said that “since no other plans to stimulate the economy are working, and since Madoff investments yielded steadily impressive returns for years, we are going to give him a chance to redeem himself.”

Madoff reportedly has a number of creative plans set to put in motion, starting with selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

“It’s a real bargain, and stretches all the way from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back again, which naturally doubles the price,” he said. “I want to see who is willing to buy it, and then be sure to do business with him.”
The former financial wiz, recently honored by the Standard and (very) Poor Index, is scheduled to announce an elaborate proposal that would have investors from around the world deposit large sums with him, which he in turn would invest in “sure-thing enterprises,” he said. Those include a company selling mezuzahs in Gaza, a real estate firm planning to build luxury apartments in downtown Detroit, and an entrepreneur selling bow-ties on Israeli kibbutzim.

Madoff will operate out of his Manhattan penthouse apartment, where he is confined while awaiting trial for allegedly bilking individuals and charitable foundations out of up to $50 billion.

Officials say his ankle bracelet will be extended as far as Wall Street to allow him to meet with former bankers there. “These meetings are eagerly anticipated,” an official said, “because Bernie wants access to funds, and the bankers want to learn more about hiring top lawyers to defend themselves should the need arise.”

Meanwhile, Madoff pleaded not guilty at a grand jury hearing today regarding his alleged Ponzi scheme, claiming he is a victim, not a criminal.

“Just listen to how everyone makes puns with my name,” Madoff testified. “Bernie Madoff with the money. Bernie Madoff with $50 billion. Bernie Madoff like a bandit. I am clearly the victim of a cruel and unfunny Punzi scheme.”

When a prosecutor commented that Madoff bore a slight resemblance to Henry Winkler from Happy Days, Madoff shouted, “Aha! A Fonzie scheme, too!”

Westchester Jewish Conference

Westchester’s Jewish Community Relations Organization