Safe Celebrating

Parents, speak to your children about the dangers of alcohol and drugs. They’re listening.

by Eliana Holm

Ihave often heard the phrase “Raising a teenager is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.” I cannot avert this statement’s truth, but I can say that although teens hear what adults tell them, they’re not always listening.
You can probably imagine what a group of students at a Jewish high school looks like during a pre-Purim, “Don’t-drink-because-you’re-all-underage-and-it’s-dangerous” assembly: bored, whispering to friends, uninterested because no one believes that what the administrator is saying actually applies to him or her. The students who don’t drink feel there is no need for them to be lectured to about the matter. And the students who do drink think they’ve got it under control.
The truth is, though, that most teens who drink don’t really

have it under control. The drinking age is 21 for many good reasons. And despite the fact that alcohol is a common substance found in almost every Jewish home, irresponsible drinking is just as dangerous as taking drugs.
“That’s the problem with alcohol,” said Dr. Miriam Ambalu, an emergency room doctor at Hackensack Medical Center in Hackensack, N.J. “Because it’s so ubiquitous...people feel alcohol is not as dangerous as other drugs but it is, it can impair you. I think that because it’s so readily available it is perhaps even more dangerous than other, more illicit drugs.”
How does alcohol affect the brain? Ambalu explained that drinking one or two beers can cause central nervous system depression and affect the reticular activating system which controls one’s alertness. In addition, it can affect the frontal lobe of the brain altering one’s mood and thinking process. Beyond this, alcohol consumption can blur vision, impair coordination, subdue reflexes and greatly debilitate judgment which is what lands many teens in unsafe situations.
In 2002 over 6,000 people died from underage drinking-related causes including traffic fatalities, homicides, suicides and other unintentional injuries, according to the Mothers Against Drunk Driving website (MADD.org). More than 2,200 of those cases were alcohol-related traffic fatalities.
It appears strange then that as dangerous as drinking can be, more than half of 12th graders report having been drunk at least once in their life, according to the Students Against Destructive Decisions Web site, SADD.org.
In a religion where alcohol is not only prescribed once a week, but also constantly reinforced as part of the culture how can Jewish teens be expected not to drink? After all, as children we are often exposed to alcohol by our parents on a regular basis. Many of us are even permitted, from an early age, to taste wine on Friday evenings.
So are parents to blame? Or are parents perhaps to praise? I’ve heard people say that Jews are less likely to get drunk at parties or become alcoholics because of their religious appreciation of alcohol. Although I cannot say that this is accurate, I believe there is some truth in the opinion that early exposure to alcohol under parental supervision can have a positive effect on teens’ drinking habits.
“My parents have always encouraged me to try whatever they’re drinking and I think that when parents do so it definitely takes away the mysterious or rebellious appeal of alcohol that affects many teens,” said Sandra Rubinchik, a junior at Ramaz Upper School in Manhattan. “If alcohol is introduced as something normal and if there is easy access to it at home then it’s not viewed as some great big phenomenon when you go out with your friends.”
A mother of two teenagers, who prefers to remain anonymous, agreed. “Because we appreciate wine we don’t view wine as something to get drunk on,” she said. “It enhances our dining experience and I think my children feel that way too.”
“Exposure to wine has to come with education. If children are exposed to it at home, you have to explain to them why you’re drinking; be open with your children and talk to them about it,” she said.
David Baruch, a junior at Ramaz, disagreed that early exposure to alcohol keeps kids from overdoing it in their teen years. “I know some people say that you can turn kids off to cigarettes at a young age, but alcohol is different,” he said. “It is a more social, cultural thing.”
Although partaking of a weekly kiddush does not have much effect on Jewish teens, how their parents handle alcohol in a religious and social environment often does. I have been shocked to see parents in my Jewish community not only have wine at kiddush, but add one or two glasses of red wine as well as a glass of scotch to their meal. They somehow believe that they are immune to drunkenness — even tipsiness — on Shabbat because well, it’s Shabbat, the day of rest.
“Many Jews feel that they have a God-given right to indulge their every wish to excess,” said Rabbi Shaul Robinson, rabbi of Lincoln Square Synagogue in Manhattan. “The concepts of restraint and self-respect have gone completely out of the window; some people leave shul drunk every Shabbat.”
Parents who drink also seem oblivious to the fact that their children are watching and learning from these situations. “If children see that parents drink more on Shabbat and make a habit of it or that they need it to relax, it’s a lesson that kids learn and a habit that they follow,” said Morty Lipkis, a father of two teens.
Rubinchik believes this as well. “Kids’ first real observations of alcohol start with their parents’ usage of it so they define normal alcohol usage as what their parents’ drinking habits are,” she said.
Now I am definitely not implying that drinking is wrong. My parents may have a glass of wine with our Shabbat meal; my grandfather often has a shot of scotch on Shabbat afternoon. But as the anonymous mother told me, moderation is key. “It’s not just with wine,” she said. “Too much of anything is bad for you.”
This sounds like a pretty sensible tip. So how can the Talmud tell us to drink on Purim “ad d’lo yadah”— until one doesn’t know the difference between cursed is Haman and blessed is Mordechai?
Although many take this statement literally, it is not clear if it is meant to be interpreted so. After all Judaism always puts health first; how can it encourage us to do something so unhealthy every year? Jews, even those of drinking age, need to find a way to celebrate Purim without getting dangerously drunk.
“Impaired judgment from drinking can lead teens to make decisions they’ll regret the next day or even the rest of their lives,” said Dr. Ambalu.
Where should parents draw the celebratory line this Purim? Accompanying teens to their friends’ Purim celebrations is definitely not the answer. (All that will lead to is public humiliation, trust me.)
“I think it’s very important for parents to find a way of conveying to their children that they do not need external substances to relax and especially not for peer pressure or to appear cool,” said Lipkis.
What parents can do is explain the consequences of irresponsible drinking. I know teens look like they’re not listening, but they are. They may have been bored out of their minds at last year’s pre-Purim assembly in school, but most teens actually care what their parents say even if they never show it.
“If parents make an effort to talk to their children about how to behave at parties and other places where drugs and alcohol are to be found then it is likely that this will have an effect,” said Rabbi Robinson. “For parents to take the attitude that ‘It won’t happen to my child’ is always shortsighted.”
Although parents should not be ignorant, they should realize that we teens are often capable of making the right decisions on our own. Of course, we could use their encouragement and insight. However, once we’re out in the world parents must learn to trust us, too.
Maybe raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. But sometimes raising parents is equally as challenging.
Eliana Holm is a junior at Ramaz Upper School in Manhattan.

Westchester Jewish Conference

Westchester’s Jewish Community Relations Organization