Saying No To M.O.

Why some Modern Orthodox teens are becoming less observant and how to prevent it.

by Sam Gersten

‘Uch, 9 a.m. already. Why even bother waking up? Half my friends don’t go to shul on Shabbos and the ones that do hardly even care.” This is one of the all-too-common conflicts that the typical Modern Orthodox teenager faces today.
“Modern Orthodox kids are becoming more and more secular and non-religious,” said Yitz Gross, a sophomore at Ramaz Upper School. He has noticed that Modern Orthodox teens tend to be drawn to secular parties and the negative elements such as drinking. Immersing oneself in dangerous behavior often characterizes a person’s growing detachment from Judaism.
Modern Orthodoxy embraces secularism but maintains that one must accept the Torah and all of its laws. “Modern culture has some wonderful values,” said Rabbi Shlomo Stochel, the

assistant dean at Ramaz Upper School, but some secular values remain inconsistent with Judaism.
Uri Segelman, a Ramaz sophomore, cites graphic entertainment on the television and computer as a factor that complicates the promotion of Judaism among youth. “Modern Orthodox teens in our generation are slowly becoming less attached to traditional Judaism,” he said and more attached to their technology.
“A lot of kids try to be religious, but it’s just hard,” said Breana Steinman, a junior at Yeshiva University High School. “As each generation passes, religion for girlsbecomes less appealing to Americans.”
While some attribute the decline of observance in Modern Orthodox teens to their proximity to modern culture, parents’ influence plays an irreplaceable role in a teen’s religious practices. (The decline pointed to in this article is anecdotal; in areas like Teanceck, N.J., West Hempstead, L.I. and Riverdale, the Modern Orthodox population seems to be growing.) Rabbi Stochel believes that the home and school are the two “poles of influence” in a young person’s life. Ora Katz, a sophomore at the Yeshivah of Flatbush, agreed. A teen’s decision to be observant usually “relate to how you were raised,” she said.
“Kids whose parents don’t push them to become more religious ... are the ones more likely to ‘flip out’ against religion,” observed Rebecca Najjar, a sophomore at Stella K. Abraham High School for Girls.
“Adolescence is a time when you question authority,” said Rabbi Stochel and that’s another reason why teens may not choose to be observant. Najjar suggests that many with religious parents “rebel just for the sake of doing what their parents don’t want them to do.” For some teens rebelling might mean eating non-kosher food, for others it might mean waking up a half hour later for services on Saturday morning.
For the last decade or so learning at a yeshiva in Israel for the year after high school has become a staple of Modern Orthodox culture. Many teens minimize the importance of religion during high school since they plan to become observant after their one-year stint in the Holy Land. “A lot of kids use the excuse ‘but when I get to seminary or yeshiva I’ll become religious,’” said Steinman.
The decline in religious observance for some during high school, even while preparing to become more religious later on, could lead a person to become non-observant, according to Rabbi Stochel. While understanding that religious growth is an ongoing process and that religious faith is fluid, he believes this technique of planning to return to religion after high school — taking a ‘vacation’ — is unhealthy. “What if they never come back from their vacation?” said Rabbi Stochel.
The key to making teens more involved and committed to religion is to make Judaism more enjoyable. While preserving its principles and laws to the fullest extent, Judaism must be presented in a way that compels kids to want to follow the Jewish lifestyle. Instead of viewing observance as a burden or inconvenience that they will eventually break away from, Jewish institutions should encourage teens to be observant Jews.
Synagogue. Shuls must be engaged in recruiting and maintaining their youth core. Community events such as sports, concerts and casual get-togethers strengthen ties to the synagogue. “I partially blame shuls for not encouraging kids to go to shul,” said Gross. It seems that kids who are involved with a synagogue during their junior high school years will remain committed throughout high school. Outreach to youth should become the top priority for every congregation.
Schools. Modern Orthodox institutions need to create a greater feeling of connection between students and Judaic studies. A balance between respect and enjoyment is essential in teaching Jewish subjects. Grading a Talmud class like an algebra course only propels kids away from Judaism as they view it as an additional burden rather than an enlightening experience. Accordingly, schools should not resort to a style of learning that resembles pilpul (sharp analysis); it too projects the same undesirable light on Judaic studies for teens.
Home. “Kids will be as religious as their parents,” said Dan Blas, a sophomore at Ramaz. Although not a perfect theory, most Modern Orthodox families will progress in that manner. A parent’s reaction to Judaism usually shapes a kid’s outlook on Judaism. Parents need to internalize the values of Judaism, instead of picking and choosing, or viewing the laws of Judaism in a degrading matter. Keeping kosher and observing the Sabbath are strong starting points but even more vigorous engagement in the promotion of Judaism and its values are necessary in order to set an example for kids.
Parents who are already observant Jews need to make sure that these values are inherent in their children. “Those really observant parents who push their ways onto their kids are the kids most likely to end up resenting their religion, not embracing it,” said Najjar. Suffocating a kid is not the right way to develop a love for Judaism. Just like synagogues and schools, parents need to find their original ways to make Judaism enjoyable for their kids. It would be unwise to suggest a uniform plan for every parent to follow in promoting Judaism. However the key to this process is to capture the interest of a person, not by asphyxiation, but by association of religious values with enjoyment such as spending time with your children on Shabbat and creating fun holiday celebrations.

Every time the Torah is taken out of the aron in synagogue the entire congregation proclaims, “It is a tree of life for those who cling to it.” Teens are ceasing to cling and the tree needs to be watered.
Sam Gersten is a sophomore at Ramaz Upper School in Manhattan.

Westchester Jewish Conference

Westchester’s Jewish Community Relations Organization