Purim Spoof

U.S. Jews Support BDS Movement

2011 Purim Spoof

03/15/2011

A new and alarming AJC poll shows that 92 percent of American Jews support the BDS movement, sending worried communal officials into a tizzy.

BDS stands for Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions and represents a serious threat to the State of Israel.

Prof. Steven M. Cohen, though, urged Jewish leaders not to panic, pointing out that most of those polled believed that BDS was a men’s underwear company, and thought they were supporting movement within the briefs.

BDS, BVD, whatever: Most American Jews haven’t been de-briefed on Mideast  lingo.

Mideast Negotiator Mitchell Heads For Broadway

Purim Spoof 2011

03/15/2011

New York — In a surprise move that has Broadway and Washington abuzz, U.S. negotiator to the Mideast George Mitchell has been tapped by the new director of the troubled Broadway show, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Lights,” to play the lead role in previews for the next five years.

Mitchell said he has been acting for years, pretending his shuttling diplomacy between Israeli and Palestinian negotiators was making progress.

More flying for Mideast negotiator.

Purim Spoof 2011

Mideast Negotiator Mitchell Heads to Broadway, Natalie Portman Engagement Ends Jewish Single Crisis and much more!

03/15/2011

 

Purim Spoof 2011

Half-Off for Yeshiva Studies

03/24/2010

In a desperate move to reduce yeshiva tuitions, a blue-and-white ribbon panel has announced that all courses will be cut in half.

The new curriculum calls for studying the Five Commandments, the 306.5 mitzvot, the 2.5 Books of Moses and the 3 books of Mishnah.

Pirates Attack Kosher Cruise Ship

02/26/2010

 Somalia—On Sunday night, Somali pirates hijacked a kosher cruise ship sailing in the Caribbean Sea.

The passengers, who were held hostage for three days, were Jewish singles on a two-week pleasure cruise.

The pirates gained easy access to the ship because they boarded during Masquerade Night. Crew members assumed the hijackers were merely passengers disguised as pirates.

By Wednesday, the pirates had abandoned the vessel and returned to Somalia.

Jewish Swine Flu Discovered

02/26/2010

Atlanta—The Center for Disease Control warned this week that a new swine flu had begun to manifest in parts of the world.

Labeled the “Jewish swine flu,” this strain is thought to be even more potent than the Mexican variety.

“We’re just learning about JSF,” said Dr. Lane D. Parsha, head of the CDC. “We don’t know yet what causes the disease, but we do recognize its symptoms.”

Parsha said symptoms include:

•    wishing “Hog sameach” on Jewish holidays

Rabbis Debate Global Warming

02/26/2010

 Jerusalem—A panel of nine rabbis met in Jerusalem this week to discuss the question: Is global warming permitted on Shabbat?

Four of the rabbis maintained that global warming is allowable, since it is merely warming and not cooking—an activity strictly forbidden to observant Jews on the Sabbath.

The rest of the rabbinical panel disagreed.

“Once you allow global warming,” warned Rabbi Herr Splitter, “it can easily lead to boiling temperatures, and boiling is clearly forbidden on Shabbat.”

 

 

Filming Of ‘Tefillin On A Plane’ Wraps Up On Schedule

02/26/2010

Afact-based action drama about the perils of in-flight davening has completed initial filming and is expected to be released in time for a Rosh Hashanah release.

“We had to finish this week,” said director Shelly Rosh. “We had a binding contract.” 

Completing the project was difficult as the crew encountered budget problems. “We were really strapped for cash,” said Rosh.

Rabbi Avi Wizened Continues Title Search For Female Associate

02/26/2010

Riverdale, NY – Having switched the title of the woman who serves his congregation in a rabbinic role from Maharat to Rabba, spiritual leader Avi Wizened announced today that he is still not satisfied with the result, and has hired Vanna White of game show “Wheel Of Fortune” fame to help him find the right vowel to end the word “Rabb_.”

“Maybe it’s an `e’ or an `o’ or `u’,” the frustrated rabbi muttered. “Or it could be ‘sometimes `y’.”

Four Arrested At JCPA Debate On Civility

02/26/2010

 Ashoving match erupted at the Jewish Council for Public Affairs plenum last week when officials introduced a resolution for more civility in Jewish discourse. 

Opponents of the measure from the Jewish federation of Boise were arrested when they scuffled with three supporters of the resolution, who were from the Jewish Community Relations Council of Greater Spokane.

“Not quite what we had in mind,” said JCPA executive director and politeness consultant Rabbi Steve Goodshow. “But in a way it just reinforces the point.”

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