Purim Spoof

Madoff Caught In New Ponzi Scheme; Prisoners’ Cigs Go Up In Smoke

Purim Spoof 2011

03/15/2011

Bernie Madoff has been caught again involved in an illegal Ponzi scheme, this time an operation he ran from jail.

According to authorities, Madoff was soliciting other prisoners’ cigarettes, claiming that if they invested a pack of 20 cigarettes with him, he’d return to them a half pack every year in “profits.”

Natalie Portman Engagement Ends Jewish Single Crisis

Purim Spoof 2011

03/15/2011

Hollywood — The recent announcement of Natalie Portman’s engagement and pregnancy has had a profound impact on countless Jewish single men.

Surveys indicated that these men have abandoned their delusional notion that they were fated to marry the Jewish actress, and they are now ready to embrace the notion of marriage to NNP (non-Natalie Portman) women.

News that Natalie Portman is engaged and pregnant (not necessarily in that order) has caused Jewish single men to give up.

Libya Praised For Human Rights Record

Purim Spoof 2011

03/15/2011

Libya, the only country whose leader’s official title is Strongman, and infamous for its utter disregard for the life of its citizens, who live in constant fear, has been given a seat on the United Nations Human Rights Council.

The council is responsible for the promotion and protection of human rights around the globe, except Israel.

The election, which took place May 2010, was…. Whoops, hold on. This story doesn’t belong in the Purim Spoof issue. It’s true. Sorry.

U.S. Jews Support BDS Movement

2011 Purim Spoof

03/15/2011

A new and alarming AJC poll shows that 92 percent of American Jews support the BDS movement, sending worried communal officials into a tizzy.

BDS stands for Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions and represents a serious threat to the State of Israel.

Prof. Steven M. Cohen, though, urged Jewish leaders not to panic, pointing out that most of those polled believed that BDS was a men’s underwear company, and thought they were supporting movement within the briefs.

BDS, BVD, whatever: Most American Jews haven’t been de-briefed on Mideast  lingo.

Mideast Negotiator Mitchell Heads For Broadway

Purim Spoof 2011

03/15/2011

New York — In a surprise move that has Broadway and Washington abuzz, U.S. negotiator to the Mideast George Mitchell has been tapped by the new director of the troubled Broadway show, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Lights,” to play the lead role in previews for the next five years.

Mitchell said he has been acting for years, pretending his shuttling diplomacy between Israeli and Palestinian negotiators was making progress.

More flying for Mideast negotiator.

Purim Spoof 2011

Mideast Negotiator Mitchell Heads to Broadway, Natalie Portman Engagement Ends Jewish Single Crisis and much more!

03/15/2011

 

Purim Spoof 2011

Half-Off for Yeshiva Studies

03/24/2010

In a desperate move to reduce yeshiva tuitions, a blue-and-white ribbon panel has announced that all courses will be cut in half.

The new curriculum calls for studying the Five Commandments, the 306.5 mitzvot, the 2.5 Books of Moses and the 3 books of Mishnah.

Pirates Attack Kosher Cruise Ship

02/26/2010

 Somalia—On Sunday night, Somali pirates hijacked a kosher cruise ship sailing in the Caribbean Sea.

The passengers, who were held hostage for three days, were Jewish singles on a two-week pleasure cruise.

The pirates gained easy access to the ship because they boarded during Masquerade Night. Crew members assumed the hijackers were merely passengers disguised as pirates.

By Wednesday, the pirates had abandoned the vessel and returned to Somalia.

Jewish Swine Flu Discovered

02/26/2010

Atlanta—The Center for Disease Control warned this week that a new swine flu had begun to manifest in parts of the world.

Labeled the “Jewish swine flu,” this strain is thought to be even more potent than the Mexican variety.

“We’re just learning about JSF,” said Dr. Lane D. Parsha, head of the CDC. “We don’t know yet what causes the disease, but we do recognize its symptoms.”

Parsha said symptoms include:

•    wishing “Hog sameach” on Jewish holidays

Rabbis Debate Global Warming

02/26/2010

 Jerusalem—A panel of nine rabbis met in Jerusalem this week to discuss the question: Is global warming permitted on Shabbat?

Four of the rabbis maintained that global warming is allowable, since it is merely warming and not cooking—an activity strictly forbidden to observant Jews on the Sabbath.

The rest of the rabbinical panel disagreed.

“Once you allow global warming,” warned Rabbi Herr Splitter, “it can easily lead to boiling temperatures, and boiling is clearly forbidden on Shabbat.”

 

 

Syndicate content