New York — Officials at JTS, Yeshiva University and HUC jointly announced today that they have granted rabbinical ordination — known in Hebrew as semicha — to Watson, the IBM computer that recently appeared on the television show “Jeopardy” and defeated two of the program’s smartest humans.
“This is definitely a first,” stated JTS president Arnie Iceman. “No other rabbinical school in America has ever ordained a computer. Now we’ve got Rabbi Watson.”
Jerusalem — Israel announced today that it has created a new cabinet level post, Minister of Hasbara, and that the new ministry will launch a major effort to capitalize on the worldwide publicity it received during the Turkish flotilla incident of May 2010.
Letz Sellit, former Israeli Trade Minister, announced that his new office had hired a Tel Aviv marketing firm to produce T-shirts, mugs, and other gift items with catchy slogans about the raid.
Washington, D.C. — J Street, the pro-Israel, pro-peace, propane and pro-forma lobby, announced today that the observance of the ancient Jewish holiday of Purim only serves to further alienate Jews from their Iranian and Arab enemies who seek to destroy them.
“Jews should not be reveling in the deaths of Persians that took place thousands of years ago,” Jeremy (Uncle) Ben asserted.
“After all, how would Jews like it if Arabs reveled in their misfortunes?”
Charlie Sheen went on the Howard Stern radio show last week to once again attack the head honchos at CBS for canceling his show prematurely and to blame his wild and eccentric behavior on a “simple, small calendar error.”
He claimed his weekend binge was due to his thinking that Purim was on the 14th day of the First Adar when, in fact, it is a month later, in Adar II.
Santiago — Thirty-three participants in a youth minyan in Temple Manuel, a synagogue in central Chile, held a rally on Saturday morning to protest their assigned room in the synagogue’s basement.
“It’s not fair,” said Jose Canusee, a spokesperson for the pre-bar-and-bat mitzvah group. “We have to hold our services in the basement, while the adults get to be upstairs in the main sanctuary. Why must we stay trapped underground just because we’re minors?”
Yuri Foreman, the Belarus-born Israeli raised boxer has announced that his first fight after losing his championship belt to Miguel Cotto will be against recently retired White House correspondent Helen Thomas for the Heavyweight Title of Lebanese Descent.
“I just want to start rebuilding my career while doing something good for the Jewish people,” stated Mr. Foreman, who recites Psalms during his bouts.
Not one to be easily intimidated, Ms. Thomas stated, “I will knock him back into Germany and Poland, where he belongs.”
“Free Rubashkin” signs posted in Jewish neighborhoods drew thousands of people who evidently expected to walk away from the Crown Heights event with glatt kosher beef at no cost.
The crowd began chanting, “Where’s the beef?” and “We Want Flanken Now” when they realized they had come to a rally to protest the incarceration of Agricoprocessors CEO Shalom Rubashkin, whose Aaron’s and Rubashkin brand meats have become a staple of kosher kitchens.
Petach Tikvah, Israel — Following an unusual experiment The Ben Gurion Institute of Shaggy Barbers and the Israeli Ministry of Religion today announced that they had conclusively proved that brain stem death is not a valid proof of death, according to Jewish law.
The prominent group of rabbis and scientists temporarily removed Rabbi Moshe Tendler’s head as he berated them for their ignorant refusal to acknowledge that severing the brain stem is the very definition of the absence of life.
Tel Aviv — In an effort to both save money on expensive equipment and satisfy their increasingly religious clientele, El Al Israel Airlines announced today that it has hired Mikvah Ladies to serve as security officers to scan all women travelers.
In light of the new security measures, El AL international passengers are urged to show up at least three hours prior to their flight with their nails clipped and their hair combed. Each traveler will enter the plane through a different door to ensure privacy.