Petach Tikvah, Israel — Following an unusual experiment The Ben Gurion Institute of Shaggy Barbers and the Israeli Ministry of Religion today announced that they had conclusively proved that brain stem death is not a valid proof of death, according to Jewish law.
The prominent group of rabbis and scientists temporarily removed Rabbi Moshe Tendler’s head as he berated them for their ignorant refusal to acknowledge that severing the brain stem is the very definition of the absence of life.
Tel Aviv — In an effort to both save money on expensive equipment and satisfy their increasingly religious clientele, El Al Israel Airlines announced today that it has hired Mikvah Ladies to serve as security officers to scan all women travelers.
In light of the new security measures, El AL international passengers are urged to show up at least three hours prior to their flight with their nails clipped and their hair combed. Each traveler will enter the plane through a different door to ensure privacy.
Hollywood — The recent announcement of Natalie Portman’s engagement and pregnancy has had a profound impact on countless Jewish single men.
Surveys indicated that these men have abandoned their delusional notion that they were fated to marry the Jewish actress, and they are now ready to embrace the notion of marriage to NNP (non-Natalie Portman) women.
Libya, the only country whose leader’s official title is Strongman, and infamous for its utter disregard for the life of its citizens, who live in constant fear, has been given a seat on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
The council is responsible for the promotion and protection of human rights around the globe, except Israel.
The election, which took place May 2010, was…. Whoops, hold on. This story doesn’t belong in the Purim Spoof issue. It’s true. Sorry.
A new and alarming AJC poll shows that 92 percent of American Jews support the BDS movement, sending worried communal officials into a tizzy.
BDS stands for Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions and represents a serious threat to the State of Israel.
Prof. Steven M. Cohen, though, urged Jewish leaders not to panic, pointing out that most of those polled believed that BDS was a men’s underwear company, and thought they were supporting movement within the briefs.
New York — In a surprise move that has Broadway and Washington abuzz, U.S. negotiator to the Mideast George Mitchell has been tapped by the new director of the troubled Broadway show, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Lights,” to play the lead role in previews for the next five years.
Mitchell said he has been acting for years, pretending his shuttling diplomacy between Israeli and Palestinian negotiators was making progress.