BROOKLYN—For the first time in recent history, the borough of Brooklyn, New York, has surpassed Jerusalem, Israel, as “The Holiest Jewish City on Earth,” according to the World Jewish Federation.
Federation officials, who annually rank cities around the world for their degree of Jewish religious observance, explained that in the past year, Brooklyn initiated several practices that make it “indisputably the holiest land on the planet.”
JERUSALEM—The State of Israel, which will turn 65 years old on May 14, plans to apply for Medicare, the U.S. national social insurance program, according to Chaim Weizguy, head of Israel’s Health and Welfare Agency.
Weizguy announced that Israel wants to join Medicare in order to qualify for badly needed economic surgery that would then be paid for by the U.S. government.
Fed up with conflict over how women can worship at the Western Wall, a group of Jewish feminists has begun reconstruction of the Eastern Wall, where they expect to be able to do as they please, thank you very much.
BRONX—The gabbai, or sexton, of a synagogue in the Bronx admitted today in court that he provided steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs to shul members who were called to the Torah to perform hagbah--the lifting of the scroll.
The gabbai, Lanceman Armstrong, said that he had been supplying the drugs for the past five years.
NEW YORK—On the heels of its recent expose of a sex scandal at Yeshiva University’s high school that allegedly took place more than 40 years ago, the Jewish Backward newspaper has now dug even further into the past to uncover an incident that dates back to Biblical times.
The Jewish Week is pleased to report that everything is perfect in the Jewish Community of New York, in the United States and Israel. All members of the Jewish people are getting along so well with each other and their non-Jewish neighbors, and conducting their public and personal lives as upstanding model citizens in such an outstanding manner that we have no additional news or insight to share. Try again next week.