Purim Spoof

Brooklyn Named Holiest Jewish City

02/28/2013

BROOKLYN—For the first time in recent history, the borough of Brooklyn, New York, has surpassed Jerusalem, Israel, as “The Holiest Jewish City on Earth,” according to the World Jewish Federation.

Federation officials, who annually rank cities around the world for their degree of Jewish religious observance, explained that in the past year, Brooklyn initiated several practices that make it “indisputably the holiest land on the planet.”

Israel Applies For U.S. Medicare

02/21/2013

 

JERUSALEM—The State of Israel, which will turn 65 years old on May 14, plans to apply for Medicare, the U.S. national social insurance program, according to Chaim Weizguy, head of Israel’s Health and Welfare Agency.

Weizguy announced that Israel wants to join Medicare in order to qualify for badly needed economic surgery that would then be paid for by the U.S. government.

Women To Build Their Own Wall

02/21/2013

 

Fed up with conflict over how women can worship at the Western Wall, a group of Jewish feminists has begun reconstruction of the Eastern Wall, where they expect to be able to do as they please, thank you very much.

Purim Spoof 2013

Bloomberg: our pick for pontiff; Brooklyn, the holy city and a synagogue worker admits doping. All this fun and more in the Jewish Weak.

02/19/2013
Purim Spoof February 2013

Synagogue Worker Admits Doping

02/19/2013

BRONX—The gabbai, or sexton, of a synagogue in the Bronx admitted today in court that he provided steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs to shul members who were called to the Torah to perform hagbah--the lifting of the scroll.

The gabbai, Lanceman Armstrong, said that he had been supplying the drugs for the past five years.

Lanceman arms strong from lifting Torah.

Bloomberg Limits Seder Portions

Purim Spoof 2013

02/19/2013

NEW YORK—Following his recent ban on soda containers over 16 ounces, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he now intends to place similar limits on wine and matzo consumption at Passover seders.

“My cup runneth over,” variously attributed to Psalms, Mayor Bloomberg and Jayne Mansfield.

Jewish Backward Exposes ‘New’ Sex Scandal

02/19/2013

NEW YORK—On the heels of its recent expose of a sex scandal at Yeshiva University’s high school that allegedly took place more than 40 years ago, the Jewish Backward newspaper has now dug even further into the past to uncover an incident that dates back to Biblical times.

Jacob and Tamar: Old story comes to light.

Mayor Bloomberg Considering Next Job: Pope

Other surprise candidates in the running after Peres declines offer.

02/19/2013

New York – With his second term at Gracie Burns Mansion coming to an end this year, Mayor Bloomberg is thinking seriously about becoming the spiritual leader of more than a billion Catholics.

Pope Bloomy I? He could always buy the Vatican…

In This Issue:

03/07/2012

ISRAELIS SKEPTICAL ON OBAMA
‘He’s got our back, but what about our front?’

EXCLUSIVE: SANTORUM TO NAME SNL ‘CHURCH LADY’ AS RUNNING MATE
Dana Carvey character will focus on ‘naughty parts’ and ask:‘Isn’t that …SPECIAL?’

BEIT SHEMESH RABBIS PUBLISH ‘HALACHAS OF SPITTING’
800-page volume targets pre-teen ‘sluts’ on way to yeshiva.

A Message To Our Readers

03/07/2012

The Jewish Week is pleased to report that everything is perfect in the Jewish Community of New York, in the United States and Israel. All members of the Jewish people are getting along so well with each other and their non-Jewish neighbors, and conducting their public and personal lives as upstanding model citizens in such an outstanding manner that we have no additional news or insight to share. Try again next week.

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