Purim Spoof

In This Issue:

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:31:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

ISRAELIS SKEPTICAL ON OBAMA
‘He’s got our back, but what about our front?’

EXCLUSIVE: SANTORUM TO NAME SNL ‘CHURCH LADY’ AS RUNNING MATE
Dana Carvey character will focus on ‘naughty parts’ and ask:‘Isn’t that …SPECIAL?’

BEIT SHEMESH RABBIS PUBLISH ‘HALACHAS OF SPITTING’
800-page volume targets pre-teen ‘sluts’ on way to yeshiva.

A Message To Our Readers

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:07:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Jewish Week is pleased to report that everything is perfect in the Jewish Community of New York, in the United States and Israel. All members of the Jewish people are getting along so well with each other and their non-Jewish neighbors, and conducting their public and personal lives as upstanding model citizens in such an outstanding manner that we have no additional news or insight to share. Try again next week.

Preschool Test Scandal Uncovered

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:06:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

New York — A 3-year-old boy confessed this week to taking tests for at least two dozen other toddlers who were applying to competitive Jewish preschools in New York City and the Five Towns on Long Island.

The child, whose name is being withheld due to his status as a minor, was arrested leaving the 92nd Street Y in dark sunglasses and a “Kiddie Mensa” baseball hat pulled tightly over his head.

‘Half Shabbos’ Texting Trend Continuing

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:04:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Social workers and psychologists working with Orthodox teens say they see trends shifting from “half Shabbos” observance, based on compulsive texting on the Sabbath, to what they now refer to as “quarter Shabbos” practice.

Mikvah Lady Marries Shul Candy Man

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:52:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Monsey, N.Y. — On Monday night, hundreds of well-wishers gathered at Simcha’s Simcha Hall in Monsey to celebrate the marriage of Anita Duncan, manager of the local mikvah (ritual bath), to Sammy Zees, a shul candy man.

Zees, who distributes sweet treats to children in his synagogue every Shabbat morning, said that marrying Duncan fulfilled a lifelong dream for him.

Women’s Ordeals Dominate Jewish Book Awards

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:50:00 +0000

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

New York — The National Jewish Book Council today announced the winners of its awards for Best Fiction and Best Nonfiction. The nonfiction prize went to “Shmata Hari: The Spy Who Wore Rags, by Mae Meriva.” The scholarly work, published by Judaica Wine Press, was selected from over 60 nominees.

The 200-page tome details how an Israeli secret operative spied on Arab platoons during the Six-Day War in 1967, averting suspicion by dressing in old, torn clothing to make herself “look shlumpy.”

Sheitel Boutique Offers Modest Selection

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:20:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

ABrooklyn woman has opened Shleppy Sheitels, a boutique that sells deliberately unattractive wigs in keeping with the original purpose of the mandate for women’s head coverings.

"No pun intended," says proprietor Yetta Flutsky, "but we’re getting back to the roots -- the roots of the tradition for married Jewish women to wear a sheitel. And that's to walk modestly before the Almighty, and to avoid attracting the attention of men other than their husband."

Joe Lieberman To Lead Libya

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:19:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tripoli, Libya — Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman, now serving his final term in the United States Senate, has accepted an offer to serve as the new leader of Libya, the North African oil rich nation. The surprise announcement ended months of curious speculation about his career plans after announcing last year that he would not seek re-election.

Women To Strut Their Stuff In Beit Shemesh

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:18:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Israeli town of Beit Shemesh will hold a SlutWalk later this month.

Inspired by the series of demonstrations that have proliferated in North America in the past year, in which scantily clad women take to the streets to protest sexual violence and a “blame the victim” mentality, the Beit Shemesh organizers plan to reveal their necks and ankles, and are even considering wearing skirts and dresses that are not black.

Controversial Charter School Set To Open

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:16:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Brooklyn—A new Jewish charter school plans to open here this September despite numerous community objections.

The school, formally known as The Nonsectarian, Egalitarian, All-Inclusive, Bipartisan, and Just a Little Bit Jewish Academy, has been nicknamed BJ, for Barely Jewish, and granted accreditation by the New York State Board of Regents.

Drunken Noah Arrested; Runs Ark Cruise Ship Aground

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:15:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A huge cruise ship carrying thousands of passengers, mostly animals with a handful of overworked human crew members, ran aground off the coast of Turkey late last week amidst heavy rains. .

The ship’s captain, Noah Fonzierelli, was seen in a life boat — witnesses say he jumped in, he maintains he was pushed — about ten minutes after the ship began to take on water.

Israelis Storm Hollywood (Not In A Good Way)

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:14:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Hollywood – Israeli tanks continue to surround the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences here in a confrontation that began on Oscar Night after the acclaimed film “Footnote” was the latest Israeli offering to be denied an award for Best Foreign Film.

“To make things worse, they gave it to the fakakhta Iranians,” said Israeli President Shimon Peres during an appearance on The View in which he reportedly wooed both Whoopi Goldberg and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, ignoring Barbara Walters.

Has ‘Tough Love’ Editor Gone Too Far?

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:12:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Gary Rosenblatt, the controversial Jewish Week editor both praised and condemned for his kiss-the-tzitzit-and-tell reporting, has apparently used unorthodox methods to discipline employees for poor grammar over an extended period of time, it has been learned.

Reportedly, in early 2005, he slapped a young journalist for dangling his participles, and later that year publicly humiliated another for splitting her gerunds.

Haredi Community Feared Producing ‘Dirty’ Bombs

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:10:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Beit Shemesh, Israel –Security officials here are deeply concerned about an increase in the sales of Ex Lax chocolate laxative in the ultra-Orthodox neighborhood of Ramat Bet Shemesh, suspecting that the community is engaged in a secret program to develop a weapons-grade diaper for use against immodestly dressed women and their supporters.

U.S., Israel Announce Plans For Secret Attack On Iran

Dani Shetrit — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 01:09:00 +0000

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Washington – President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu held a joint press conference today to announce that they will join in a major military offensive against nuclear sites in Iran on May 28, the day before pop star Madonna is scheduled to perform in Tel Aviv.