Special Sections

Chilean Minors Trapped Underground

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Santiago — Thirty-three participants in a youth minyan in Temple Manuel, a synagogue in central Chile, held a rally on Saturday morning to protest their assigned room in the synagogue’s basement.

“It’s not fair,” said Jose Canusee, a spokesperson for the pre-bar-and-bat mitzvah group. “We have to hold our services in the basement, while the adults get to be upstairs in the main sanctuary. Why must we stay trapped underground just because we’re minors?”

Yuri Foreman To Fight Helen Thomas

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Yuri Foreman, the Belarus-born Israeli raised boxer has announced that his first fight after losing his championship belt to Miguel Cotto will be against recently retired White House correspondent Helen Thomas for the Heavyweight Title of Lebanese Descent.

“I just want to start rebuilding my career while doing something good for the Jewish people,” stated Mr. Foreman, who recites Psalms during his bouts.

Not one to be easily intimidated, Ms. Thomas stated, “I will knock him back into Germany and Poland, where he belongs.”

Grudge match: Yuri Foreman says that when he finishes his bout with Helen Thomas “her face won’t be pretty anymore.”

Thousands Attend ‘Free Rubashkin’ Event For Wrong Reason

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

“Free Rubashkin” signs posted in Jewish neighborhoods drew thousands of people who evidently expected to walk away from the Crown Heights event with glatt kosher beef at no cost.

The crowd began chanting, “Where’s the beef?” and “We Want Flanken Now” when they realized they had come to a rally to protest the incarceration of Agricoprocessors CEO Shalom Rubashkin, whose Aaron’s and Rubashkin brand meats have become a staple of kosher kitchens.

Rabbi Tendler Is Exhibit A In Brain Death Dispute

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Petach Tikvah, Israel — Following an unusual experiment The Ben Gurion Institute of Shaggy Barbers and the Israeli Ministry of Religion today announced that they had conclusively proved that brain stem death is not a valid proof of death, according to Jewish law.

The prominent group of rabbis and scientists temporarily removed Rabbi Moshe Tendler’s head as he berated them for their ignorant refusal to acknowledge that severing the brain stem is the very definition of the absence of life.

El Al Hires Mikvah Ladies In Lieu Of Full Body Scanners

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Tel Aviv — In an effort to both save money on expensive equipment and satisfy their increasingly religious clientele, El Al Israel Airlines announced today that it has hired Mikvah Ladies to serve as security officers to scan all women travelers.

In light of the new security measures, El AL international passengers are urged to show up at least three hours prior to their flight with their nails clipped and their hair combed. Each traveler will enter the plane through a different door to ensure privacy.

Washing out for troublemakers: New squad of security workers at El Al pledge to not only monitor but purify their passengers.

Madoff Caught In New Ponzi Scheme; Prisoners’ Cigs Go Up In Smoke

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Bernie Madoff has been caught again involved in an illegal Ponzi scheme, this time an operation he ran from jail.

According to authorities, Madoff was soliciting other prisoners’ cigarettes, claiming that if they invested a pack of 20 cigarettes with him, he’d return to them a half pack every year in “profits.”

Natalie Portman Engagement Ends Jewish Single Crisis

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Hollywood — The recent announcement of Natalie Portman’s engagement and pregnancy has had a profound impact on countless Jewish single men.

Surveys indicated that these men have abandoned their delusional notion that they were fated to marry the Jewish actress, and they are now ready to embrace the notion of marriage to NNP (non-Natalie Portman) women.

News that Natalie Portman is engaged and pregnant (not necessarily in that order) has caused Jewish single men to give up.

Libya Praised For Human Rights Record

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

Libya, the only country whose leader’s official title is Strongman, and infamous for its utter disregard for the life of its citizens, who live in constant fear, has been given a seat on the United Nations Human Rights Council.

The council is responsible for the promotion and protection of human rights around the globe, except Israel.

The election, which took place May 2010, was…. Whoops, hold on. This story doesn’t belong in the Purim Spoof issue. It’s true. Sorry.

U.S. Jews Support BDS Movement

2011 Purim Spoof
03/14/2011 - 20:00

A new and alarming AJC poll shows that 92 percent of American Jews support the BDS movement, sending worried communal officials into a tizzy.

BDS stands for Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions and represents a serious threat to the State of Israel.

Prof. Steven M. Cohen, though, urged Jewish leaders not to panic, pointing out that most of those polled believed that BDS was a men’s underwear company, and thought they were supporting movement within the briefs.

BDS, BVD, whatever: Most American Jews haven’t been de-briefed on Mideast  lingo.

Mideast Negotiator Mitchell Heads For Broadway

Purim Spoof 2011
03/14/2011 - 20:00

New York — In a surprise move that has Broadway and Washington abuzz, U.S. negotiator to the Mideast George Mitchell has been tapped by the new director of the troubled Broadway show, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Lights,” to play the lead role in previews for the next five years.

Mitchell said he has been acting for years, pretending his shuttling diplomacy between Israeli and Palestinian negotiators was making progress.

More flying for Mideast negotiator.
Syndicate content