Winter Olympics Of Rabbinic Scandals Held In Vancouver; Rabbis Held In Contempt

Alone won the overall individual competition, scoring highest in Most Shocking and Disturbing Revelation of the Year – in his case for alleged abuse of boys.

Dozens of lesser-known rabbis in the US, Canada and Israel tied for second in the fiercely contested category.

Rabbi Booshaw N. Chleemaw, chairman of the inaugural games, explained that he and his colleagues around the world felt that rabbinic scandals had become “so pervasive, sophisticated and significant” in recent years that they 

 deserved full-scale treatment through direct competition at an international event, with global media attention.

“This is proof that we’ve made it,” Rabbi Chleemaw declared at a moving ceremony in which a track-suited rabbi, sprinting with a torch, set fire to a copy of The Ethics of the Fathers as thousands cheered.

An NBC official explained that the network was thrilled to televise the event because “rabbis in beards make for the best TV images.”

Rabbi Leib Tripper of Team USA, who until last week was thought to be a shoo-in for the top gold prize, expressed disappointment at the outcome. 

“I was already deciding where to put the gold trophy,” he acknowledged, “either on my shtender near the Western Wall of my shul, or at home on the desk of my phone sex room.

“After all,” he reasoned, “I thought to myself, `who could top a holier-than-thou rabbi like me, who once annulled a woman’s conversion after learning that she wore pants, and then is – you should excuse the expression – exposed for coercing potential converts to have sex with other people.’”

Rabbi Tripper said that despite his dismay at being bested by an underdog, he was proud to be taking home top honors in the always-competitive Hypocrite of the Year Award.

Rabbi Milton “The Brooklyn Bundler Bungler” Bulkitup of Brooklyn, came in first in the High Wire Fraud competition for his bold performance last week, exhorting and extorting a wealthy businessman to give his all to several local yeshivas.

“It’s a tale of the tape,” he said, on learning that his conversations with a federal official had been recorded.

Another media favorite, and at 87 the oldest competitor in these winter games, Rabbi Saul Cashin, representing Syria, Persia and Team USA, took home the top honors in the less than graceful Dancing On Thin Ice competition. 

Although he was not the top vote getter for his performance in many categories, the rabbi from Let’sMakeADeal, NJ, finished first because he received ten percent of all the judges’ votes.

“It adds up,” a devotee of the press-shy rabbi noted.

Tonight’s televised events include Chasidic side curling, bubbesledding, the chas v’Slalom, freestyle schnorring, cross-country schnorring, speed shtupping and men’s hocking.