Tiger Woods: “Bogey Man Loves His Niblick’

The highest-paid professional athlete in 2008, having earned an estimated $110 million from winnings and endorsements, explained the secret to his golf success as well as his subsequent loss of endorsements, family, and reputation with one word: Putts.

“It’s the secret to everything I’ve become,” admitted Woods. “And believe me, it takes one to know one.”

Months after crashing his sport utility vehicle in his driveway, leading him to acknowledge his marital infidelities and take an indefinite leave from professional golf, Woods will now embark on a 10 week speaking tour to enlighten the secret to his career in golf success.

Abe Shmendrick, an Aventura retiree and avid golf player, reflected after the Woods speech: “He’d be the best golfer ever if he could just control his putts.”

Meanwhile, Woods told the golfers he has converted to Judaism, and plans to alter his sex as well.

“I’m making radical changes in my life,” Woods told the group. “I’m becoming a woman and giving up golf. I’m getting rid of my club and balls.”

Woods said his gender-bending operation is part of a concerted effort to show his wife how sorry he is for his marital infidelities.

Asked why he converted, Woods explained, “As a Jewish woman, I hope to work as a mikvah lady. That way I can continue to see other women, only now it’ll be a mitzvah.