Obama Hails End To Iran And Mideast Conflicts
Wed, 03/12/2014
“I’m puttin’ my trust in Putin.” Getty Images
“I’m puttin’ my trust in Putin.” Getty Images

Washington – President Obama, in a surprise appearance with Iranian President Hassan Woohani at his side, announced a resolution today to the longstanding conflict between the U.S. and Iran and said the world “can breathe a sigh of relief now that our differences have been solved.”

Obama said that Iran will be allowed to continue its “peaceful nuclear program” and that Russian leader Vladimir Putin, who now goes by the title King Vlad The First And Only, has agreed to be the guarantor of pacts between Tehran and the U.S. and its Western allies. “Ever since President Bush looked into his soul, we know he is a man we can trust,” Obama said of Putin, whose army will oversee Iran’s nuclear efforts, now in high gear.

Woohani, who was dressed in a Purim costume – disguised as a moderate – explained that his country needed high-speed centrifuges to spin alibis about Iran’s nuclear program fast enough to keep up with criticism from “the Zionist fascist evil entity in the Mideast that we don’t recognize, but we know it exists – at least for now.”

He asserted that the production of powerful rockets and missiles were required to be able to deliver burqas to Muslim women around the world in a more timely fashion to compete with Amazon.com.

And the Iranian leader explained that the secret, underground nuclear reactor has been kept under wraps because it produces “our secret chocolate cake recipe. We are very proud of it and will slaughter anyone who comes near it. And his mother.”

Putin, who was Skyped into the press conference from his new home near the Crimea River, said he looked forward to “using every instrument of force at my disposal to ensure the peace” of the Iranian nuclear proposal.

Turning to the Israel-Palestinian conflict, Obama beamed as he announced that his peace efforts finally have paid off, thanks to the work of his new Secretary of State, Dennis Rodman, who plans to “make sure Israel plays ball with us if they want to stay in the game.”

Obama, a devotee of basketball, explained that Rodman impressed him with his rebounding (from alcohol and drugs), his diplomatic success in North Korea and his defensive maneuvers to box out opponents.

[Former Secretary of State John Kerry, arrested yesterday in a complex Frequent Flier scam that had him traveling around the world to accumulate mileage points rather than diplomatic breakthroughs, maintains his innocence. “I will go anywhere, any time to prove these charges to be false,” said Kerry.]

Rodman produced a framework plan that calls for Israel and the Palestinian Authority to agree to continue their talks until April 2022, or until Rodman is named to the NBA Hall of Fame, whichever comes first. During those talks, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu must agree to suspend settlement building as well as the construction of logical arguments as to why Israel should resist undo pressure from the U.S.

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, in turn, must agree to decide between housing Palestinian refugees in Tel Aviv or Haifa.

In another diplomatic surprise, Obama introduced his new U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Miley Cyrus, and vowed that she is “the ideal person to rub shoulders – or whatever – with world leaders. I am sure that UN officials will embrace her unreservedly,” he said, adding that Cyrus has been an enthusiastic devotee of his “Lead From Behind” initiative.

editor@jewishweek.org