How To Date Like A "Shiksa"
08/08/2011 - 17:20

You know how I (according to one obsessed commenter) think gentile women are superior to Jewish women?

Well, apparently so does “Avi Roseman,” the pen name of a 26-year-old single woman who has written and self-published  “Secrets of Shiksa Appeal: 8 Steps to Attract Your Shul Mate (iUniverse).

The gist of her missive (which opens with “I once drove a boyfriend into the arms of a shiksa”) is that gentile women know better than Jewesses how to entice male members of the Tribe — and instead of complaining about “shiksas stealing our men,” Jewish women can “learn from them and prevent them from doing that in the first place.”

In a nutshell, here’s what shiksas, according to Roseman, who also refers to herself as “Ms. Avi,” know and Jewesses must learn: dress sexy but don’t be a slut; take care of your looks; don’t be clingy or JAP-py; do play hard to get and don’t waste your time with commitment-phobes. In short, follow “The Rules,” the 1995 best-selling dating manual written by, ahem, two Jewish women!

In fact, “Rules” authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, who I actually saw debate Rabbi Shmuley Boteach many years ago, in a veritable orgy of self-promotion, have bestowed a blurb upon Ms. Avi, writing, “Every Jewish woman should read this book.”

Leaving aside my bristling at her liberal use of the term “shiksa,” (will her next book be “Secrets To Playing Basketball Like a Schvartze”?) and her overindulgence in stereotyping, I found Ms. Avi an engaging writer and oddly entertaining, albeit in the horrified watching-a-train-wreck kind of way I watched some Oberlin classmates earnestly say something stupid and insensitive only to set themselves up for a thorough dressing down by the school’s arbiters of political correctness.

Now contrary to the stereotype you might conjure up from looking at the book’s cartoon cover illustration and its somewhat old-fashioned approach both to gender and intermarriage, Ms. Avi, who lives in the Virginia suburbs of Washington, D.C., is neither a bimbo nor a women-belong-in-the-kitchen type:  a Johns Hopkins University engineering grad (and grad of New York's elite Fieldston School), she is a former consultant for a major auditing firm.

I’ll be curious to see if the book, out in September, will sell well. It seems to rely on the assumption that (outside the Orthodox community at least) Jewish women are desperate to marry Jewish men, whereas Jewish men have no particular loyalty to their heritage.

I’m not sure if that (or the allusions to shopping at Loehmann’s) will resonate with young Jewish women, many of whom seem quite content to date and marry gentile men.

And I am skeptical that Ms. Avi will convince inter-dating women to change their ways, particularly because the reasons she gives for marrying in seem rather superficial, more about pleasing everyone’s grandparents, keeping the chain going and making Borscht Belt/Woody Allen jokes (think mayonnaise on corned beef) than about appreciating Judaism’s rich history, culture and teachings. In fact, she doesn’t even make Jewish men sound particularly appealing, referring to them frequently as nerds and at one point declaring that “usually the more successful, good-looking” Jewish men do not go to temple on Shabbat.

In a rare allusion to Jewish texts, Ms. Avi does cite the Talmud’s oft-repeated saying about when you save a life, you save an entire world, before saying: “Should I be held responsible for the destruction of the Jewish tradition because I treated an ex-boyfriend poorly and drove a former Hebrew School all-star into the arms of a Catholic girl?”

Despite her general opposition to dating gentiles, Ms. Avi does make an exception for women over 35, who she believes should date anyone able to provide them with some viable sperm and companionship. “Your children will be Jewish because you’re Jewish,” she notes and “A Gentile man is better than no man at all.”

Ouch. I can see why Ms. Avi is relying on a pen name, because I can’t imagine too many gentile men will be lining up to date her in nine years after stumbling upon that ringing endorsement.

More importantly, if “your children will be Jewish because you’re Jewish,” then why go through the whole ordeal of snagging a David or Daniel or Joshua who may be no more enthusiastic about Jewish living than a Christopher or Luke? Is it simply that Jewish women have a duty to save their former Hebrew school classmates from the throes of assimilation?

In any event, Ms. Avi is currently sticking to her Rules and dating only Jews: in an e-mail exchange, she told me that her current beau is a Jewish patent lawyer.

When I asked her if she has dated non-Jews, she wrote:

I want to marry someone Jewish, so that I can eventually have a Jewish family … I've noticed among half-Jews, even the ones who had b'nei-mitzvot, they tend to care less about religion and are less likely to date Jews (even if they claimed they were raised "Jewish") …

Care less about religion and are less likely to date Jews? Sounds like the (presumably 100 percent) Jewish men she describes who need a nice Jewess in shiksa clothing to rescue them. Dear readers, what do you think? Will you be rushing to Amazon and Barnes and Noble to buy this book?

Do you like "In the Mix"? Well, like it on Facebook! And follow Julie Wiener on Twitter.

view counter

Add comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.

Comment Guidelines

The Jewish Week feels comments create a valuable conversation and wants to feature your thoughts on our website. To make everyone feel welcome, we won't publish comments that are profane, irrelevant, promotional or make personal attacks.



Hello I'm a bi racial women Brazilian and German married to a very Jewish man
when my husband asked me to marry him his mother refused
to attend the (Jewish)ceremony and support her only son. I have dated many men
most of whom where Jewish. I have had discussions with MANY Jewish men and most if they were married previously to a Jewish women would NEVER do it again and are encouraging any fellow single Jewish men not to get involved with Jewish women and stay away from the website J Date.( Desperate self centered egotistical women hungry for a husband) I found this astounding and quite insulting to Jewish women. I wanted to know why these highly educated wealthy Jewish men are running from Jewish women. The answer I refuse to be in an miserable self centered uncaring belittling relationship my patents and grandparents suffered through for years. Wow! The bottom line is now Jewish men are waking up and realizing I'm not going to be miserable for the sake of religion.Jewish women wake up apparently there should be a state of emergency in your synagogues on why Jewish men are marrying outside there religion in RECORD numbers. Sorry Jewish moms the guilt trip to marry a Jewish women that has worked for centuries is backfiring .Jewish men stepping up to the plate and deciding to be happy instead of politically correct.

In life I've learned that my ego has gotten in the way of my happiness. For example, if I see someone else's success, I don't become jealous or angry. I try to learn from them and do it better than they do. If non-jewish women are having greater success at marrying jewish men, then people should learn and see what they do. To get upset about this book is totally immature. As for Shiksa being a derrogatory word, it has actually become the secret and regrettable obsession of many jewish men. The real question is why.

To the woman above:

I honestly think that you should send out the piece above to your in laws as well as to your husband. I can see that you have so much pain. It might help to talk to some one about it because you sound very depressed. I can tell you that I have suffered with in law problems for years. They always pointed out differences and made me feel like an outsider, in addition to being really rude to me. And guess what? My husband and I are both from very WASPy families, and from the same kind of background. My husband needs to grow a set, and it sounds like your does too.

I don't know whether to hate this book or applaud it wholeheartedly. Comedy that it is, it was so painful for me to read that I shed quite a few tears. I suppose I applaud it because it it is truthful and direct about it's objectives. You see, I am the hated shiksa. Contrary to the shiksa's in the book, however, I did not set out to marry anyone for a long, long time, much less steal a Jewish man. When I met my husband, I only wanted friendship. The chaste kind. He pursued, he begged for marriage. I was NOT playing hard to get. I had only platonic feelings and recovering from a painful, previous relationship. Believe me, taking anyone away from his religeon and people was the last thing on my mind. Growing up in a liberal Protestant family, I had no idea what I was walking into. His Orthodox/Consevative New York family was so warm and welcoming. Well, after the marriage things got frostier and frostier. Digs and jabs, and all kinds of criticisms. Not-so-subtle orthodox literature left in my home letting me know my Unitarianism was considered death to the family tree. My mother-in-law died hating me. She disinherited me. I will go to the grave in sorrow. I am not a bad person. Ironically, I might have converted if I had truly experienced kindness (unconditional kindness unrelated to whether I converted or not.) I did NOT take my husband from Judaism...he chose to be nonobservant long before he met me. He is responsible for his own religous identity and choices. However, I bear the psychological damage. I am the scapegoat. I beg...please, Jewish parents, engage directly with your sons and daughters about your disappointments of thier adult choices. Do NOT place suffering on the people your child CHOOSES to love. I am sad for the predicamant of the Jewish people but I did not try to snuff out your race. I am seriously thinking of divorcing my husband (who would not stand up to his mom to support me). I cannot stand being a blemish to the family. I really would rather not exist in the world than that.

Miss "Avi's" claims are unsubstantiated. At Hopkins, an undergraduate student is required to take a basic writing class for credit to graduate. If this were one of those 100 Level writing classes, she would fail because she has no statistical data to back up her arguments. Everyone knows - cite and reference. You can't just make social arguments and make up percentages on social behavior. Maybe she should have taken a sociology class before writing this book to learn how it's really done.

In response to the comment above -

A well placed, shameless plug for your own sales "Ms. Avi"
However I to agree with you. Someone should pick this book up, flip through it, wipe their ass with it and leave in the book store because that would be a better use of paper.

You insult a race and gender outright from your pedestal of failed relationships.

People who succeed are the ones qualified to give advice, and even many of them don't know jack.

And "Self published" should be a dead give away there's not quality here. Everyone loves money (Jews and gentiles alike), if there was money to be made, someone would have picked it up.

I think it's unfortunate that everyone is passing judgement without reading the book. If you're going to have your feathers ruffled by it, you may as well see what it is that is getting you so riled up.

Nice sales pitch Ms Robinson...
I agree someone should flip through it in a bookstore and then not buy it and bash it.

Your book is anti-semitic trash that only fuels more hatred against Jewish women. I don't have to check out your link to pass judgement. It basically bashes Jewish women and portrays gentile women as being superior. It's a book that nazis would love. You should be ashamed.
I really doubt you're a woman. I've only heard this kind of trash talk against Jewish women by secular, self-hating Jewish men. Your vicious hatred against Jewish women is sickening.