The Joys of Marriage or How to Scare a Single Gal to Death
06/23/2010 - 10:55

We were discussing my favorite topic: Bad breath.

I mean, people! Are you aware of just how many folks there are walking around with stink emanating from their mouths like fire from a dragon? Ick Dot Com! It’s enough to make me want to wear one of those masks people in Asia sport when they have a cold. Only mine would be a stink-deflector mask. Has anyone invented this yet?

As I was saying, I was relaying to some friends a very scholarly story of how another friend works with an anorexic woman whose breath, she reported back to me, smells just awful on account of the fact that she never eats.

“And she’s married, too!” I told the ladies present, both married themselves. “I mean, doesn’t her husband say to her, ‘Damn, woman! You’ve got some stanky breath!”

“But married people don’t kiss,” said one, rather too matter of factly for my taste.

“Married people don’t kiss???””

"Married people don’t kiss," she said again, the way you might say, Is the pope Jewish, I mean, Catholic? She went on to explain. For the first two, maybe three, years of marriage you do kiss. She even made a conscious effort to kiss every night to keep the spark alive. But then the kids come and, well, you can just kiss kissing goodbye.

I turned to my other friend for some moral support. Say it ain’t so! But she just shrugged.

“The other night when we were in bed and about to turn off the light I just shot up my arm. ‘High-five!’ I said and he high-fived me.’”

Married couples high-five? In bed!

Oy vay voy le! Which is another way of saying, why am I in such a rush to find myself a man if all I’m going to get is an eternity of fist bumping and the occasional game of rock, paper, scissors?

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Thanks for bringing it up! This is ridiculous. There needs to be more understanding on the subject. Bad breath is caused by poor dietary choices, bad oral hygiene, smoking and substance abuse. If the couple nurture each other, eat well, none of this stuff goes on to begin with, libido stays healthy, and they live happily ever after, kissing and groping their way well into a fit retirement. If the husband or wife are chronic drinkers, binge-eating in front of the TV to compensate for a lack of intimacy, forgetting to eat their veggies, they are most likely sporting a major yeast factory in their guts—leading to the dreaded stankly no-kissing phenomenon. (Either that, or one of the two in the marriage are gay…)