If I Lie About My Age On Jdate Will I Still Get Into Olom Ha'Ba?
10/15/2010 - 07:28

I never thought I'd stoop this low.

But I sorta, kinda shaved a few years off my age on my Jdate profile. Which is another way of saying, I’m a liar.

It's not my fault. Really, it isn't. Because now that I am over 35, and inching closer to 40, in the world of online dating that renders me persona non grata.

Which is another way of saying, for me to even get men my own age to not just consider me, but to even see me, I have to reduce my age. Otherwise, the only men who reach out to me are well over 50, and as the case may have it, semi-imbeciles.

Which is another way of saying, I had no other choice, your honor!

But because I’m a total Honest Abe, a liability at times if you want to know the truth, the whole thing bothered me. I know that I would feel cheated were a man to misrepresent himself online.

So I posed the question on Facebook and elicited a lively response, the consensus being, everyone lies online. Men lie about height (and sometimes age) and women lie about age (and sometimes weight).

They weren’t defending dishonesty, only saying that in order to get my foot in the door, I have to fudge my age a bit. And that if once I meet someone and spill the beans and he is outraged and wants to citizen arrest me, why, that is the cost of doing business.

Certain advocates of truth and nothing but the truth objected, of course. They argued that any man who is going to reject a woman sight unseen because of her age is not worthy in the first place.

But I say that even the good ones, the fellows who would be ok with a woman their own age if they were to meet me in person, are nothing more than lousy ageist criminals online. I know this for a fact because more than one man I’ve dated or gone out with who had no problem with my age once they met me list on their Jdate profiles that they won’t even consider a woman over the age of 35.

So to me, the issue is just being allowed entrée into the game in the first place. Not that I am getting any pleasure out of it. Believe you me, Jdate is no fun and it is getting worse. What an exercise in humiliation! I mean, why do I think I deserve more than the over-weight, under-educated, 50+ man who keeps sending me “winks” online?

Meanwhile, the verdict is still out whether my suddenly being 34 will make a difference.

“The only way men will notice you is if you change your age to 10,” said one cynical single girlfriend.

We shall see, kemosabe. We shall see.

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That is really rotten! I am sorry you are experiencing this and you are absolutely right: If I am already feeling the age discrimination now at 38 I can only imagine how much tougher it gets. I send you my support and solidarity! Although I do not think there is a connection between being orthodox and being a kind, decent person. You could send him a note if you feel it is worth it. You could say that you were looking forward to meeting him and that you can only assume that it is because of your age that he suddenly disappeared and what a shame that he is closing a door to something because of something so irrelevant like a number. That you would think he would be bigger than that and that you wish him well. What a jerk! Call him on it.

I definitely agree with Abigail. Call him on it, and he either won't respond because he's embarrassed due to his crappy behavior, or he'll respond because he's embarrassed due to his crappy behavior. :) Good luck, ladies. I'm still a young'n but I got lots of "winks" from 50+ men (I'm 24, mind you) who can't seem to talk to me but just want to look at my pictures. Ugh!

Perspective is everything. Try asking those questions when (God forbid) you're a divorced woman and you hit 55. Suddenly you're invisible, and the men in your age group only want women in their thirties/early forties. And the only older men who think you're young are in their seventies and eighties. Recently, a guy I met online (not on JDate, but through a mutual friend, no less) who's about to turn 50 asked me my age. I thought it was nervy of him, but figured lying would only come to light eventually, and I don't lie, so rather than dodge the question -- which would have left him guessing the worst, I'm sure -- I told him. (Like you, by the way, I look a lot younger than most people think women look at at my age.) Surprise, surprise: this guy, with whom I was exchanging a good number of emails prior to Sukkot, who said he'd get back to me during chol hamoed? Nothing. Not even fake backing away. I've given up waiting. Sure, I told myself he's not worth it if he's capable of being that rude. But all the same, it hurts. And he considers himself Modern Orthodox, proudly observing all the holidays, etc. Hmm. So much for ahavat Israel in the singles world. So good luck. Remember there are those of us out here wishing we were still 35. Or even 40.

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