Avi Wizened

Half-Off for Yeshiva Studies

03/23/2010 - 20:00

In a desperate move to reduce yeshiva tuitions, a blue-and-white ribbon panel has announced that all courses will be cut in half.

The new curriculum calls for studying the Five Commandments, the 306.5 mitzvot, the 2.5 Books of Moses and the 3 books of Mishnah.

Rabbis Debate Global Warming

02/25/2010 - 19:00

 Jerusalem—A panel of nine rabbis met in Jerusalem this week to discuss the question: Is global warming permitted on Shabbat?

Four of the rabbis maintained that global warming is allowable, since it is merely warming and not cooking—an activity strictly forbidden to observant Jews on the Sabbath.

The rest of the rabbinical panel disagreed.

“Once you allow global warming,” warned Rabbi Herr Splitter, “it can easily lead to boiling temperatures, and boiling is clearly forbidden on Shabbat.”



Rabbi Avi Wizened Continues Title Search For Female Associate

02/25/2010 - 19:00

Riverdale, NY – Having switched the title of the woman who serves his congregation in a rabbinic role from Maharat to Rabba, spiritual leader Avi Wizened announced today that he is still not satisfied with the result, and has hired Vanna White of game show “Wheel Of Fortune” fame to help him find the right vowel to end the word “Rabb_.”

“Maybe it’s an `e’ or an `o’ or `u’,” the frustrated rabbi muttered. “Or it could be ‘sometimes `y’.”

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